Where I don't care what others think

I only think in the form on crunching numbers

September 16th, 2007 Posted in College, Life, Mistakes, Problems

That is only one of my favorite lines of music ever. While I disapprove with the other lines in the song, regarding some type of one night stand, I still enjoy that line. Just take it out of context for a little while. Why do I like that line so much? Because I think it describes me a pretty good amount. I like numbers, they’re concrete things I can compare, evaluate, base decisions off of. If you ask me, anything in live can be represented by some form of numbers. Clearly things would have to be quantized and scaled appropriately, but thats a minor detail to be worked out later.

For me things make sense, and I like them to. I dislike things that don’t make sense, or things I can’t make into some type sense. Justification is critical to me, I can’t do things without thinking about the next 5 minutes, the next day, and for a few events, the next year or a few. Futurecasting how something will effect me probably isn’t the best idea in the world, but its certainly more effective than “do it now and worry about the consequences later.” See thats just stupid, because you’ve chosen to acknowledge their are consequences, but you’ve decided to ignore recognizing what they specifically are or developing them into logical thoughts.

That was all very abstract, but all very good. My obsession with that song lyric will likely inspire a few more posts, but I am having a very difficult time getting the song to listen to. Stupid internet. Lets talk weekend, but keep it abstract.

I feel like hanging out with me is a burden for others. Seriously, yea… I think that by hanging out with me, it is more work for the person who is there besides me.. or people. I’m terrible at having fun, coming up with plans, fitting in with others. The list goes on but if I don’t cut it off now I might strike something I’m uncomfortable blogging about, I’m not really sure if there is anything but thats enough “flaws of Brian” for now. That would make cool game show… lol

Friday/Saturday nights tend to be the epitome of this, what do I usually do? Theres at least an 85% chance I’m looking at a screen; movie, computer, or television. The other 15% of the time, I might be stalling time to get a bite to eat. A common tactic of mine that I’ve worked to cut down on because of its financial effects. Eating food buys time, not a solution. Driving is also a common tactic for finding a solution. Driving in itself is rarely the solution, unless you’ve planned to go somewhere far away. I’m terrible at driving nowhere. Why? Because I like to know where I’m going, I like to be thinking how I can get there better, what lane do I need to be in so I don’t die, etc.

It wouldn’t be impossible to boil this down to a statement like “Brian is a burden to hangout with”, something I would quantize with negative points. I have a negative social value, I detract from social situations and gatherings. Just using the phrase “social situations” sounds lame, gatherings is the correct word. I don’t mean to be a burden, but I dislike the assumption that I have this wealth of ideas and knowledge I can inject into social situations.. erm gatherings. If we were socially working on computers, programming, etc, I might have a wealth of knowledge to inject. If we are looking for something fun to do on a Friday night, which probably rules out computers, I am not the person you want to ask.

Through this I let down a lot of people, and I feel bad. I’m in no position to make it up to them because I don’t know how. I can’t plan a gathering or host a party, that would be a joke. I would likely have -1 attendance, yes I have support to back this up.

There is one things that frustrates me to the maximum. When people have to use disclaimers about my inexperience with a situation. If I’m unsure of certain information I’m going to ask for it on my own, I really do not like it when others share things Brian isn’t experienced with. Why? Because I’m not experienced with very much, no surprise there, but the things I haven’t directly experienced I’ve probably given thought to. And I have a secret, I don’t know half of what I do, I just make it up as I go along and I convince people I know what I’m doing Ask me and thats what I thinkmakes a leader successful. Good example, I’ve never put a rain covering on an RPI TV. I was asked if I knew how, and if I could show a few people how to because apparently no one was 100% sure how to do it correctly. I said sure, I knew what I was doing. Did I? Nope. I hadn’t touched a rain covering ever. Did that matter? Nope. I made it up as I went along, and I did a pretty darn good job at it as well. No one asked if I was making this up, no one was like your an idiot. I just did and made it work. So please, never tell people I don’t know how to deal with a certain situation, or I don’t know what I’m doing, or I’m just making this all up. You never really know what I have in store, I’m not a moron most of the time. just get super embarrassed when I really shouldn’t be for any reason. I already know how I’m going to handle it, and just because I haven’t shared that one specific plan out of the hundreds I have in my head doesn’t mean its not there.

Its all in the numbers…

  1. 3 Responses to “I only think in the form on crunching numbers”

  2. By katie on Sep 17, 2007

    I’m sorry…and appologize for stuff. But believe me, this isn’t the way to deal with an issue you have with your gf. I thought you promised you would get better at communication, but having to have someone read a blog to know something, that is obviously about them, is crap, shallow, and very impersonal, and makes everyone else think the other person is terrible. So thanks!
    Next time come to me. This isn’t the first time you’ve dissed, yelled, or lectured me through a blog, and i find it rude and hurtful. The world doesn’t need to read about you lecturing me.
    Fix it next time!
    And im sorry if theres some things i just am uncomfortable with and dont want you to experience. Im sorry ive been in a lot of different situations than you, and i didnt feel very happy or comfortable with you doing one thing, because ive been there done that.
    Remember what shawn did to me in the woods that time. I didnt know what was about to happen, so if i can fall to someone taking advantage of me, then why cant you? Your a lot easier when it comes to that, and you said you couldnt even figure out if someone were flirting, mind you about to so something to or with you. Thats why i was like that. I have experiences, and i dont want to sit and watch or wonder what will happen if you go off and go into that world that you say ur so against.

    Dont lecture me ever again in a blog. I’m always an IM or email, or call away. I think thats what i would call a BIT better communication. Dont treat me like some reader that you hate, please. Treat me like someone u supposedly love and respect. Then we can talk someday.

    BUT now u know why i was like that and now u know why i feel that way. No one cared about what i said, beleive me, i know. It wasnt brought up in any other convos and no one cares.
    Just keep ur head up and be proud of not knowing stuff. Its great that way, cuz in the end, there is always someone to grab ur hand and teach u or show you the right way.

    RESPECT me.


    with love

  3. By katie on Sep 17, 2007

    p.s no one needs to know what we are discussing, so if asked, dont give in and dont say.

    its personal.

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  2. Sep 23, 2007: Depreciated

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