Where I don't care what others think


September 23rd, 2007 Posted in Life, Problems

So its Sunday, tomorrow marks the start of another week in college, another week full of work, work, and a few minutes of fun. Weekend are always interesting times for me, there is rarely any scheduled academic work, RPI TV might have an activity, rarely more than one; and besides that I don’t usually do a whole lot.

I believe in past blogs I’ve associated myself with a negative social value, detracting from the situation. Yes, I just asked Google search and I have. Wow, I learned I pretty much wrote this whole blog in “I only think in the form of crunching numbers”. Hrm, how to make this blog different. Ok. I can do this.

There are plenty of people who don’t think in the form of crunching numbers, there are most likely only a few people who do “think in the form of crunching numbers”, but lets focus on everyone else. Its strange, when I first thought about it I was sad to be on the outside, the one not fitting in. Maybe I shed 1.5 tears before I went to bed [I was thinking about this before falling asleep once]. Whats extra strange about this is that I’ve never fit it, ever. Its hard for me to have a decent explaination why I was so effected, in past times I would have been not effected in the least. I felt nothing when everyone went to High School dances while Brian stayed home writing PHP. Yes, it was lonely reading all the away messages, pondering where people would go afterwards, what photo albums I would be able to find online, what stories I would hear back at school. It was probably the hardest watching people leave in a limo next door, knowing I knew most of them since kindergarten. I did not fit in anymore.

The movie Superbad raises similiar feelings in me. I’m not a fan of the movie, probably because I cannot relate to it at all. 0%. I have never been to a party at someone’s house, I did not spend my high school days trying to “get” with any girls. The goal of being an expert at certain physical procedures before college never crossed my mind, nor would I have approved of the thought if any of my friends approached me with such a plan. (I thought I had a post about American Pie but I cannot locate it) I never made the assumption that being in college would correlate to getting/doing more of anything besides homework. The movie is funny because people can relate to it, it triggers a part of their memory that is likely good, situations they’ve likely been in, and adds humor to them. Me, I cannot relate to it, hence any humour I would find would be purely hypothetical, and I spend most of my hypothetical time focusing on much different issues.

I’ve lost where I was going with this, if I even had a destination. Lets keep writing and see where we go eh?

I’m trying my best to please people within the bounds I am comfortable with doing, but struggling with the balance of what I’d like to do. This is difficult to explain, something that became the core of Brian at roughly 6-8th grade. My primary coping tactic with situations I am not involved in, but might potentially want to be involved in lies somewhere around hypothetical simulation. Yes, that is a fancy way of saying make believe and pretend. Trouble arises when the hypothetical simulation is pushed close to a reality, and I’m completely disoriented when I find the hypothetical simulation outside of myself, mirrored elsewhere. What if everything I had hypothetically simulated was something someone else had done, what if they were able to maintain Brian-acceptable standards while physically doing things that I could only simulate. What if I couldn’t find any significant points of different between ones self and the latter. It makes me want to quit sometimes, seeing that its possible to carry out all that I’ve simulated without messing things up. That out there, you can do what I’ve only imagined doing without having to comprise. My ideal of “better than me” exists outside my imagination.

Its one of the few times in my life, quite honestly the only time, I can recall someone appropriate to yield my deck to. In all of my simulations I am the highest ranking captain and I’ve never considered what might happen if someone was able to outrank me; the thought of it scares the pants off me. [I am wearing shorts, and they are still on me, please take it metaphorically] I would run more simulations, but the past dozen have all ended the same as they began, outranked.

I must not give up, failure is not an option, but neither is changing what few things make unique. There must be a way to exploit the few things I have different to my advantage, I need to pull a MacGyver.

Lets run this one again guys, back to the top.

  1. One Response to “Depreciated”

  2. By katie on Sep 24, 2007

    interesting. no comment.

    scared much? afraid of not being number one? afraid of not being like someone else?

    interesting i say.

    who is brian michalski nowadays?

    the soap opera continues next week…..

    and i love how i know this whole topic, and knew it was coming.

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