Brian's World

Acusation v. Defense

I recieved a rather nasty email citing the “accusatory tone” of a message that I “wrote”.

First, I did not write the message… thats one of the main issues, but on a different level is the way the email was word. The conclusion was quickly jumped to that I was the culprit, because somehow I had magically gained nice handwriting. While the message wasn’t the most pleasent one, it did not, in my mind, cross any lines… nor was it unjust. A connection was made where the actions of the email sender negatively impacted others.

The email sender believes that the actions they committed had no effect on the negative impact. While there’s no log or direct support that proves it, I’m fairly confident that there is a link because of the qualifications of the email sender, and something I thought I saw yesterday. I could be mistaken, but if that person was not directly responsibly.. their supervisory role still places them as supervising whoever made the error.

As I see it, the blame game should not be played. If the blame was inappropriately placed, I would take it and say I don’t think I did that, I’m glad to here it was resolved. Is there anything I can do the help? Thats the only way I can find to move on and progress. If everyone spends their time passing the blame from x to y to z …. then more negative energy will be consumed just to move the blame around. Sure, you have to stand up for yourself and say “hey, that wasn’t me” but you don’t have to create a mirror there to deflect it elsewhere, just absorb it and let it dissapate.

At least thats what I try to do…

O’ another adventure awaits….

Braces

I just got back from the orthodontist for a retainer check.. long story short.. bit fork isn’t good for teeth. Today however, I discovered the secret they use to keep you coming back. Sure, my teeth aren’t perfect.. but I’m satisfied with them. Let me explain what happens

You sit down in the chair and begin getting looked at, then the orthodonist instructs you to insert your retainer, so you do. Then he looks again and starts posing different ideas and treatments, of course while your retainer is in. In my case I was told to bite down on a tongue depressor as hard as possible… all while he was explaining what he would do. How could I speak up whilst biting on this tongue depressor? Or even wearing a retainer? See the problem… those sneaky orthodonists…

In other news I am very bad at doing some stuff, and it seems my shear presence carries a negative effect. However leaving would also generate a negative effect… Its a loose loose and I can’t find the less loose scenario.

I dislike being lost. Quite frequently I don’t understand things and would like help, of course the only people who are able to help choose not to. So I’m like hrm.. what do I do? I usually end up trying to understand which always turns out bad because i understand incorrectly.

I have needs too, given those needs are very different from just about everyone else.. they do exist. I try my hardest to put them aside (as part of my zero-sum life) but sometimes I loose sight of the potential positive influx to balance out negative. I’m just very lost

Sometimes I wish I was just hiding in a corner, and if people wanted to talk to me they know where to find me. I wouldn’t get in the way, I wouldn’t do anything that would mess someone up, there would be no doubt of where to find me, no debate over who I would help.

Lost

Control

I dislike when I am responsible for something I have little to no control over. I understand that after certain commitments are made that it is my responsibility to fufill them, unfortunately when they are dependant on components I have no control over its difficult, especially when those components need to say get gas.

I accept responsibilty because that is something I do. Its probably not the right thing to do, but I feel its critical for my life mission, a zero-sum game. The tricky part comes in the conversion of a negative situation into a positive one, things must be done very methodical and precise or else you can push yourself further into the negative. Sometimes being in the negative has its positives, leaving room for sudden leaps forward, without overshooting the zero line.

See, in a zero-sum game, the goal is to break ever. In life thats my goal. For every mistake, I’d like to do something right.. because, for everything right I do, I know I make several mistakes in the process. Its very much like chasing your tail, except in the process of doing so you get closer to the tail, but its constantly adjusted so you can’t reach it.

A flaw might exist in my logic as to point of reaching zero, shouldn’t one be trying to reach a positive score? Yes, I want to make a positive impact on this world somehow, but its better done in accumulating decimal places. Decimals are likely to slowly achieve something greater, without facing as many negative equivalents as a large positive might.

Its reassuring to think that whenever things are going bad, they will cancel out to something good, so when things seem really bad I remain optomistic, that means something really good is going to happen someday. Time isn’t a factor though. Tomorrow is the same as 10 years from now.

Of course the converse isn’t so cheerful…

But neither is staying up late… night world