Brian's World

Meanings

April 15th, 2008 Posted in Life | 1 Comment »

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to do some of the things that I do, or why I choose to think the way that I do. I think some people have it easier, for those in the medical field it is to heal and help people, for those in the education profession its to teach and inspire. People intersted in management or entrepreneurship may be interested in started a great cool new company. Those interested in journalism and communications are there to decimiate information and inform others. What am I here for?

I wouldn’t say field of study or training is the only thing it should be based on, but it certainly plays a large role as it occupies a signifincant amount of time in ones lifetime. I guess I think about it like this, I’m decent with computers, programming, etc… but sometimes I wonder what does that actually do. Take the internet for example or any website on it. I cannot produce a physical copy of that site. In no direct means, does the typing on a keyboard have any large effect, only moving small magnetic dots up or down, or sending electrical pulses down a wire to another computer.

An interesting way of approaching this would be to ask, in the end, does it really matter? I think some fields, especially medical, educational, construction, and even entertainment have a purpose. They can very clearly say at the end of the day I did that, I built X, deceminated Y, and helped Z forget their worries for a few minutes. Me? I dunno what I do when the day is done. Sure, I can help design channels for communication but its not the channel people care about, its the message that comes out of it.

I guess a lot of this came out of a few things that happened today. Let me try to fill you in…

1. I got an email from my dad. We email each other a few times a week, by that I mean he emails me 3 times, and I reply once. I spent some time in the last email explaing a little about Concerto, and how it was getting off to a decent start. I guess I should have predicted the response, “Sounds like the RPI tech stuff is going well. Unfortunately, I don’t understand the details.” Thats dad for you. He’s a civil engineer, so what he tends to do is very clearly recognize by people. The highways are there, sewers work, etc. The internet has been equated to highways, but only virtual highways… not something real.

2. I was asked what I have against doing or planning fun. Its a tricky question for me. I wouldn’t say I have “You must not have fun” written in the 10 commandments of brian, but idk. I guess I tend to see fun, enjoyable things, as not very productive things. I have trouble visualizing how these will fit into a larger picture, likely because I have trouble recognizing some of the more abstract colours that paint the pictures of our lives. Maybe I quickly outgrew the stage where having fun was a common desire of mine when I realized fun wasn’t something you could always have, but there are somethings you can. I also have problems with the fact that most fun activites tend to benefit me an individual, and not a larger group. A great example is the Xbox 360. I have a long and interesting relationship with Xbox that you probably don’t want to hear, but I don’t have an Xbox 360. Its always been something I’ve wanted, but something I’ll likely never get. Why? Because its sole purpose is to provide fun for myself. Now that I think of it, the only reason my family owns an Xbox is because I told my dad it was a DVD player. Yes, I would certainly enjoy a crack at Halo 3, the fancied up Xbox live, etc, but I don’t see what that does for me when I’m done with that session. I could spend that time just sitting sleeping, and achieve the same net result.

There is a lot I could be doing right now, I could be writing code, writing a letter to Katie, sleeping, etc but I’m just sitting here in my bed blogging. I sometimes do ask myself why do I bother blogging. It certainly is a large usage of my time, but I guess the ability to share my experiences with others is important. I hope that someday, someone will benefit from what I’ve written. If they have, than I guess my entire blogging mission is complete.

Goodnight moon.

Sunny Saturday

April 12th, 2008 Posted in College, Studio | 1 Comment »

Today has been a pretty terrible day I’m not gonna lie. I woke up around 8:00am and was very tired, which is strange because I got 1 extra hour of sleep than a normal day. I started by normal morning routines, got to commons for breakfast, etc.. nothing too exciting on that front. For some reason the internet in my dorn wasn’t working, not big deal, I packed up my work and headed to the union. I spent a good hour or so writing an email to the signage list addressing my thoughts about weighting, but I didn’t get any immediate responses so I’ll delay that until further in the timeline.

I was down there working on my chemistry homework, all of which is due on May 3rd. So far I have completed 5 of the 10 assigments, and I hope to complete an additional 1 or 2 tomorrow. I am not enjoying this homework in the least. Its not very representative of the material covered in class, lab, or the tests.. so I’m not 100% sure why they are assigning it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that the tests and classes are run by one professor, the labs by another, and the homework by a third. They are not doing so hot on the coordination this semester. I think the lab we just did last week covers material we’re schedule to learn this upcoming week in class.. and who knows what the homework will be about. I have started to dislike doing chemistry homework online. I could deal with physics, but the chemistry is just dumb. If I was doing it out on paper I could get it done much faster, with fewer mistakes because I’m more likely to notice things like units and such.. online they are just numbers.

Blah de blah I was working on that comfortable, and everyone shows up to re-arrange the office. Now I know this had been coming, because they tried to re-arrange it once.. but I undid it the next morning after my chemistry test because it was junk and I was completely out of the loop on it. I’m more likely to be ok with things if I’m in the loop about them, surprises are not for me. But yea, the rest of the next 4 or so hours were spent moving furniture. Of course I didn’t feel there was even a need to move the furniture, but what do I know. After everything was re-arranged at least twice the furniture got settled and everyone went out shopping. Realizing I had gotten a very small portion of the chemistry I set out to do today done, I retreated back to my dorm to start the work again. I find chemistry and furniture tends to go hand in hand for some reason, the past 2 times re-arranging the room was brought up/done were the day of a chemistry test, and today was chemistry homework day. I look forward to finishing this class and rearranging furniture soon.

The internet was working again (whew) so I was able to login and start work again. During the process I received the replies to my email about weighting, which was pretty much what I was expected. Past assumptions have been re-affirmed. It seems the best way to get people to go along with my ideas, is well… I’m not going to share the secret with you. I think that might ruin it. Essentially I find myself in a constant balance, where I weight the least. It doesn’t help that I lack the verbal communication skills to present things outside of cyberspace.

Actually I take that back, I lack the confidence to do so because I know very clearly what will happen and it probably won’t boost my confidence. In comparison to South Hadley, where what I said was evaluated and sometimes agreed upon as correct or the route to take, I find what I say here tends to be the opposite of what people do (or want to do) and everyone is very capable of telling me otherwise. I lack the ability to argue or effectively debate my point because people insist on using these college-level works that just have a lot of letters and are not so dense. I guess I have to keep trying and hope someday my ideas may be correct. I should also consider myself fortune in this respect. I think my life lies in equilibrium, so all these poorly received ideas are going to lead to better received ideas in the future.. unless I’ve already had those ideas.. in which case idk what is going to happen.

To talk about a different subject, I think my Google Summer of Code projects have pretty much been a waste this year. No one responded to my request for a mentor. Thanks everyone… and my other submissions haven’t had any comments placed on them. In general (and in past years), advisers will read them over and give you a sentence or two where to improve or at least acknowledge its been read. Nope, not mine. Nothing… Maybe I will be lucky and its just so good that they don’t have anything to say to it. Yea right.

Katie interviewed for her first real job yesterday, I failed to provide any good tips because I’m not familiar with non-technical interviews. Like when I have gone on interviews its always very oriented at my skillset and implementation knowledge, and less on my people and service skills. I think thats probably been to my benefit.

Twitter is working again, I’ll consider adding a widget here at some point. There was this 2 day period where all my requests to update my status were going nowhere.. I think I was “bored in physics” for like 48 some odd hours. Thats a pretty crazy amount of hours to be bored, nevermind in physics! I ate McDonalds for lunch, which was a decent change of pace from the regular RPI Commons food. I haven’t made up my mind if I want to get I Love NY pizza tomorrow for lunch or not. Its what I typically eat for lunch up here on Sunday, but its also typically a Katie food, though I did go alone once while the bowling championships were on.

I’m kinda debating how I can increase my leadership skills without decreasing my effeciency. Its tricky, I spend a lot of my time writing code for things, and less time leading them. I’m very comfortable with the code writing portion, and I will never cut down on that (it goes against my belief that leaders need to do as well as lead) but its certainly tricky. Actually I don’t think I’m thinking about this at all actually. That sentence or two was all I had to say. What I do think about is the line “we’re starting to get recognition” and I wonder what exactly is getting recognition. I know concerto is getting recognized on campus, but I frequently wonder who people see as the people behind the system. I wouldn’t say this is just a concerto thing, or just an RPI thing, I’ve found a lot of things I’ve been involved in tend to have a very clear distinction between the people who are viewed as behind the system, and who actually is. A great example would be a television production, say a Tiger Times Special Edition… everyone is like ooo Matt Caron you did an awsome job with that or I really enjoyed the show (Matt is the anchor FYI) but very few people would credit the editor who spent a lot of time working on it behind the scenes. No, it wasn’t his/her face being broadcast on all the TV’s.. but it is their work. Thats why I frequently will put just about everyone else in the credits before the anchors (ok so the special edition is a bad example because of the limit crew).. but I feel its the least I can do to show appreciation to the production assistants, camera operaters, etc who made the production possible, but aren’t the starring roles.

I am tired and am going to bed now.

Part Two of a Three Part Series

April 6th, 2008 Posted in College, Life, Mistakes, Problems | 3 Comments »

Good afternoon blog, how are you doing today?

The database won’t respond to my non-SQL query, but at least it knows I care. Or if it becomes aware of what caring is, it will know that I do care. Its been some time since I last updated on everything, and as always there is much to discuss.

I was hoping to blog in the middle of last week, but things have just been terribly busy as of late. Concerto has been deploying screens at an exponential rate. We went from 1 screen to some crazy number 6 in under 2 weeks which is rather impressive. Everyone has been doing their part to write the code and make changes to the features that were not working well or people were exploiting (asking for content to be up there for a whopping 15 seconds). I’ve been experiencing increased stress levels, directly correlating to the increasing importance of the system as a whole. I think its pretty safe to say my stress is a function of the derivative of the installation of screens. I did pull off what I consider to be a very cool API in 1 night, it does a lot of cool stuff via GET/POST variables so its easy for any internet connected device to use.

This week also marked the occurrence of GM week at RPI where the Student Government elections occur. No, I didn’t run for anything, but I did help out with the production of the Debates. Overall I think the debates could have used a lot of work. I’m not sure if this correlates to the fact we were stretched thin filming the debates while a film festival was going on or whatnot but yea. if the debates were held to the same standards hockey are, they would have been pretty intolerable. Maybe people have lower standards for these sorts of productions, or maybe people are unsure were the standards should be.

I was going to cite some statistics regarding the positions I tend to have at these sort of events, but the RPI TV website doesn’t have a lot of productions from this year in it. What I’ve found is that I very typically get the role of camera operator or production assistant. This isn’t because I wakeup and go “Yes! Another day to operate a camera or assist in the coiling of cables!” its because I’ve found the leader to non leader density at RPI very out of line. I think this may be typical of an institute of higher education, but most everyone feels qualified to be the leader (and they probably are!), but everyone also feels its their right or responsibility (I’m not sure which) to do the job. Too many cooks do spoil the soup, and if everyone is busy doing leadership things like talking about x, y, or z than the cables are not going to get run to the other side of DCC 308 now are they.

Yes, I think there needs to be a leader, and sometimes that leader should be allowed to emerge in the field. But sometimes its better to decide upon that person in advance, kind of like these very long and seemingly useless pre-production meetings that use to occur. The only reason they weren’t very helpful was because the information was never any different. It was simply a re-assertion of what everyone already knew. But that was OK, most definately OK.

Since this is part 2 of the 3 part series, you’re all going to yourself… well, what does this have to do with the RPI TV elections. Lets be honest with one another, you probably wish I hadn’t written this blog,, and that I had just ranted about “Trayless Tuesday” or whatever dumb move Commons is cooking up next. [That blog will come, rest assured] but I cannot avoid the issues, and I very rarely pick the issues that I do discuss in this blog. I voted for 10 people to be RPI TV’s officiers. I would say that I voted for the people best qualified for the job but that isn’t completely accurate. In some instances I voted for the only people running for the job. The majority of everyone has been doing a good job at whatever it is they are tasked to do in the club constitution. Others feel it is there right to assume a de-feacto leadership role because their position may supercede someone elses. I would say this is a tradition of RPI TV. The upper leadership, myself included, frequently do things that other people should be doing.. or have the right to do in the constitution. I would cite a specific example from ~370 days ago, but that was a slightly special case.

I believe in doing what needs to be done, I do not believe in doing things that do not have to be done, or that will have no effect on anything whatsoever. It may be safe to apply this logic to my interactions with people. I recall discussions about RPI TV documents where I was asked what I thought. For the first few times I was asked I did tell people what I thought. Maybe it was a simple statement of agreence, or I could have offered a thought to the contrary. I’ve found thoughts to the contrary have produced a “Well I don’t know about that, I think that things might be better off the other way because you’re not taking into account xyz.” As I see this it boils down to “No, you are wrong. I think things should be this way and by asserting my opinion again I can override yours.” You should realize that if I haven’t considered factor x, y, or z I will in that case respond, good point, I failed to think about those. This doesn’t happen very often because I have thought about factor x,y,z.. I’ve probably thought about a bunch of other factors as well. I don’t have much else to do besides think about the factors because saying what I think is rarely recieved well.

I should make sure to broaden the scope here as to ensure all the unpleasant isn’t directed at RPI TV. This is much larger social interactions course. Its not just RPI where my opinions have gotten blasted down, its a lot of other places as well. Some have taken to not asking my opinion either; I find this extra effective. You can save yourself the time it would take to ask me, allow me to respond, and then respond back with a rejection of my thoughts.

If I felt saying something would make a large difference I would. I’m optimistic, so I must at least try. But I very frequently find myself attempting to engage in a larger guiding mission. Not bouncing the ball back and forth between two walls, but using those walls to steer the ball to what I’ve identified as an appropriate end game.

For those of you who feel I’ve put you on the spot, or that I’ve some how singled you out without using your name, ssn, or any other personally identifying material I am sorry. You shouldn’t feel upset, angry, or whatever it is your feeling right now. Yes, I do want to talk about it. You could approach me in person about these matters, but I will likely stutter and/or attempt to avoid the topic. I’m a poor people person. If this is what you want then go for it. I tend to stutter more if you use larger words around me or talk fast in a loud angry tone without pausing to give me time to think, process, then respond. If you’re like me and think hey, that doesn’t sound very effective, I encourage you to try the following (in order of effectiveness): 1. Hit me up via AIM, MSN, Google Chat. If you start talking to me at 15 before an hour, I might have somewhere to go at that hour, but I’d be more than happy to schedule something another time. 2. Leave a comment on my blog. I tend to read these very quickly. While it doesn’t look like I always respond to these, I’ll follow up in a private discussion. 3. Shoot me an email. If you’re email happens to come at the same time as a bunch of other emails you are out of luck.

General tips: I respond much better when people use ?’s. A statement doesn’t always register as something I need to respond to unless its blatantly wrong, but something that ends with ? does. I am very poor on the phone, which includes txt messages. That is a dumb way to contact me unless you are on fire and next to a server. I will respond honestly to any and all questions you ask unless they make me feel uncomfortable, i which case I will tell you that. There is a low probability these questions will come up (Katie is the only one who might ever ask them). Allow me to respond. Sometimes, people type IM’s very fast and send them to me, and sometimes I can’t read as fast as the Internet can. And no, I haven’t read this blog over. I am allowed to make typos, and communicate the wrong message.

Good night moon.