Brian's World

You just get in the way…

Sometimes people frustrate me… as you may or may not know, I’m very bad at the physical part of relationships, things like hand holding, hugging, putting ur arm around her, and kissing. My latests goal is to work on all this, because I don’t want to fail, and I don’t like failing. I really enjoy the times we’ve gotten to hold hands, that time(s) I put my arm around you or something, the hugs, and the other stuff that I can’t remember but would like to next time. I don’t know but it just creates a good feeling inside of me, a feeling I like, it’s hard to explain actually… but this is drifting from the point now.

What I was trying to say up there is I definately like all that stuff and really enjoy it but I find it hard to do. It’s tricky to figure out, trying to find the “right” time or the “right” place, or the “right” people to be around.

Most of the time we’re together in the studio which has a very interesting dynamic. I’m busy some of the time working or yelling at people or trying to take control of something… and it seems when I’m not doing that certain people get in the way or the positioning is awkward. Those individuals are the ones that tend to annoy you or I a lot but I don’t want to say their names… sometimes I’m like…. grrrr I would hold her hand if you weren’t in the middle between us… that’s probably the most frequent event, someone being between us.

I’m not sure how I can fix this, I think it might be rude if I just started pushing ppl out of the way or something; well, I know of at least one person I wouldn’t mind pushing out of the room. He/She is probably the one that annoys me (and probably you) the most. He’s just grrrrr… he’s always stupid and always getting on my nerves. He puts himself in positions where (if he was going out with u) it would be ideal for pda or something… I dunno, I probably shouldn’t be thinking about other people as much as I should be thinking about myself.

My goal is really to look more like a bf and less like another guy by cotillion time, because that’s probably the time most people will find out and I want it to look as real as it is or something.

Well, I have a strong headache right now, I’ll fill you in later. But you can leave comments here or in IM (dectivebam) or whatever.

Happy New Year!

Last night was New Years eve and the time to welcome in the New Year. Well, in all partying tradition I got out of the house and went over to a friends house to party it up. It was a pretty fun time, we went out for a little car ride to pickup another person, lets not get started on that tho.

Ok, I’ll skip right to the meat of it. New Years Eve was interesting because of one main thing; maybe in three pieces. If you drew a graphic representation of it, it would look kinda like a plot diagram, with a introduction, climax, and resolution… like this picture

Well, the first part went fairly well, even tho I might be robotic or something. That’s something I’m going to work on… I’m not exactly sure how, but I bet with practice I’ll become less robotic and better at stuff. Practicing is something I’ll work on, it’s fairly easy to do.. but the setup is tricky. I’ve yet to actually figure out how to setup properly, because I can’t figure it out… there are just to many options or something… a howto guide would be handy, but until then; I’ll just keep looking stupid.

The second part, as the diagram shows, was the hardest part. It was a combination of a first time and a countdown. I knew what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it but I didn’t know how or where. Well, the 1 minute coutdown started and I came up with a little plan, but that plan was quickly ruined when someone sat in the middle. Yeah, that wasn’t going to work. So I knew I had less than 45 seconds until it was time so I was all.. umm… hrm, what can I do. I quickly decided to walk around the sofa and then I got there. Someone blew a horn or something, i leaned in, and then i did it and then I stood there for a moment while people reacted, then I walked back to a pole to lean on. That was probably one of the most nervous times I’ve ever been. Well, I know I messed up walking back to the pole instead of staying there but what makes me more dumb is the fact that I really don’t remember it. I remember walking over… and walking to the pole… darn me and my inability to remember things… you can only imagine how bad I feel; not only was it the first time, but it was special and grrr I can’t remember any of it. You’d think I was drunk or something… but I wasn’t.

Well, part three was pretty easy but I think I messed up a little, luckily I’m the only one that remembers that.

Overall, a pretty good night. I’m glad I had the courage to do everything, but kinda mad that I can’t remember a good portion of it. That makes me feel kinda dumb… ok, a lotta dumb. I’m trying to recreate my memory and I’m not sure how it’s working. My biggest fear is that I made moron of myself in the parts I can’t remember.

Happy New Year to All!

Needed: Self Confidence

Well, I managed to fail again. It was something that would have been very simple, the timing was right… the location was decent but of course I couldn’t pull it off. What really frustrates me is how much I think about things and think about how much could do wrong. The action itself is very easy, but of course I managed to come up with a couple ways I could screw it up and look like a moron/idiot. I feel that if I look like a moron/idiot people won’t like me anymore… Thats why I have difficultly doing these things.

And I know that if I messed up or made a fool of myself, no one but me would really notice; but me knowing I screwed up is just as bad as the whole world knowing I screwed up.

It’s not the first time I’ve had this trouble, but today the issue seemed more pushed in my mind… I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I was thinking of other things, and how if I can’t bring myself to do something so simple, how am I going to bring myself to other stuff that’s more complicated.

Grrr, I frustrate myself a lot

But I’m also very glad that you understand I’m retarded in this way.