Brian's World

College 101

August 25th, 2006 Posted in College

Well, I’m here! I moved in yesterday afternoon and it only took a few hours of unpacking to get a setup working. Currently I;m on my shuttle xpc barebones pc, or as I chose to sell the concept to my parents.. the “Shoebox” (its about that size). Things are going here at RPI… I’m not exactly sure how they’re going but they’re going. I got books for 2 of my classes, the third I pickup on Friday (Calc 2)…

Ok.. Its now Friday.. time certainly hasn’t flown, but time for blogging has escaped me. Today we did nothing except attend a party at Troys river-front. Woot Woot :-\ I redefined the meaning of wall flower and deamed myself tree bark. I spent the majority of the time starring at, well… nothing.. just glacing around, checking my cell phone, walking, I ate 2 hot dogs, drank some ice tea, blah… that’s it.

My friend here Dan Sullivan (also my roommate) invited me to join him in line with his ROTC buddies but I decided to give him some space and let him be with his ROTC people, I don’t want anyones sympathy for being a social outcast. See, its wierd here… you have so many groups here and none of them fit me.. you’ve got the cool kids, you’ve got the complete nerds, you’ve got the druggies, you’ve got the greeks, the athletes, the girls/gays, the confused, the idiots, and then me. I know its difficult to make friends in a new enviroment and all, but I’m not even looking for friends. I try to cheer myself up by saying “I’m here to do welll in my classes, not party” which is completely true… but it might be nice if I knew at least 2 people who I could say hi to and they might say hi back? Thats clearly asking too much for me. I must be doing something wrong.. maybe its my hair? my face? my personality? the fact that I tend to be overly blunt and focused on one thing and fail to recognize and superlative or auxilary things for the time being? Maybe I just get caught up in my own world way to much.. a world where people actually care about me.

Who knows? The motivational speaker psychologist must know!

Maybe the problem is my door doesn’t say open.. but if it did I fear wierdo’s would wander in..

I’m in Cary hall, first floor. The all guys floor.. our RA is Chris, he’s…. how can I put it… into fashionable clothes (;-\) my address is:

Brian Michalski

Room 124, Cary Hall

1999 Burdett Ave

Troy, NY 12180-3711

There must be something wrong with me, I just vaccumed my room again.. twice since I’ve been here.

I think I know what I don’t like about Cary, RPI, College, the system.. it forces you to abruptly stop everything and move one. I can see how this benefits those who maybe didn’t make the best choices in High School, or those that experience some gain from meeting new people in bulk… but what about those of us who spent out educations careers making the good choices, finally getting a group of friends that worked, finally getting a girlfriend (and the most wonderful one in the world at that), those of us who had jobs… quite honestly if I was incharge of college I would do it different.

It would be a continuation of HS.. like years 13-16. You could live away from home, and live on some form of campus, but still local to the area (if you please). Of course the only way this happens in with Community Colleges, but those don’t have the rigour or depth as a more esteemed college does.

I’ve done my share of debating about it, and I have yet to conclude if RPI was best for me. I think educationally it might be, I know socially its now. I know emotionally its certainly taking a toll on me, physically.. well, idk… I’m trying to eat healthy and i really want a scale or something.

If you didn’t hear I have a private bathroom with sully. Pretty nice.. almost as big as the dorm itself.

Ok.. I’ll dumb this down… I miss Katie.. a lot.. more than you can ever miss someone. I never imagined it would hurt this much… and its not a mental pain.. its something I feel in my chest.. like right in the middle.. it feels sore.. like something heavy is on it.. and I can’t make it go away.. breathing hurts…. I know this was my decision but I probably screwed up.. I prioritized wrong, clearly there must have been another option that I didn’t see but ouch.. I miss her.

Katie isn’t just a girlfriend to me. She’s just not a girl whose hand I hold walking down the street. She’s my best friend, I can tell her anything, and she’ll listen. She actually cares, not just one those people who cares for the 30 seconds they’re with you. If I didn’t have Katie, the only person I feel faintly comfortable with sharing everything in my brain with, I dunno how I would go on. I don’t think I could without some outlet to help me throught this. I can’t help but think.. and worry… that I’m dragging her down into my sorrow too. and then I feel more sad and the cycle repeats…

You know what helps? I certainly don’t

Another thing bother me is High School… unlike just about everyone I know I didn’t “want” to get out of there. I would have been quite happy staying and helping out, working, etc but society will not take that. The loose ends I left frustrate me.. like untied sneakers, and I can’t bend down to tie them.. so I’m afraid to walk.

Help me?