Brian's World

Exploding Brain

Wierd title I know. I didn’t know what to call it, nor do I want to think to much at the moment.

Right now I just finished my Differential Equations homework due tomorrow, I generally understand the first half of the problems, and then my understanding goes downhill from there. The book and the professors examples aren’t very helpful unless you already know what you’re doing, which I sometimes don’t. So I invent my own math that resembles something and gets me to the answer.

I have a CS project due Thursday that isn’t cooperating, and Prof. Stewart hasn’t posted the lab yet so I can’t get a head start on that. Diff Eq test on Thursday, major studying required. Then I am home for vacation. It is well needed for me.

Sometimes I get very busy and I know my time management skills vary, some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others, etc etc. I’m not 100% sure what it depends on, but I think a lot of it is my mindset going into things. If I think that task X will be grueling and take a long time it will, whereas if I’m excited in task Y I will get it done fast.

I’ve also got a backlog of other tasks that are going on, some of which I’m excited for, some of which I’m not. Digitial Signage is interesting, I was originally very excited for the project but lately there has been a lull, development has slowed a little not because of roadblocks, but because I haven’t seen much other code submitted yet. Monday I discovered another project which I’ve been working with, it give me results fast.

Am I really trying? I certainly think I am. I’ve been up and moving from 8:00 until 6:00 and it seems no one can cut me any slack for that, take out one hour from 1-2 for lunch. Its constantly assumed I have it significantly easier or less stressful or simplier. I’m not sure, I think everyone has different challenges, and its important to support people regardless of the challenge they face. It may seem silly, but for someone math homework isn’t as straightforward. I’ve always tried to support others no matter what they do, willing to help on demand, being there needed but how often does the favor get returned to me? I find that even when I myself could use a little slack, a little leeway, a little help, pulls just get tighter and tighter.

I’m sorry I’m busy, I’m sorry I’m trying to be involved, I’m sorry I’m doing things, but for me thats what its always been about. I know I can’t really go out and socialize or hang out and make friends, but I can work, and its something I can do moderately well. Sometimes I even pretend that work creates sudo-friends, more like work associates. People who might care only if it interfered with the job.

I also have to understand I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out, its barely my first year here and I’m still very confused and lost in some ways.