Brian's World

Black Ink

Its rare that I’m handling a multiple threads of negative things at the same time in my life.  Historically, when things are going not well for me, they tend to be going not well one at a time.  Right now I feel (and I know that feeling isn’t the most accurate method of measurement here) that things are going not well on several fronts.  I’m struggling to identify if I’m failing to compartmentalize as effectively as I need to be, if I’m suffering from a lack of motivation, or something else.

I’ve found that I’m frustrating people who I dislike to upset with some of my planned and repetitive behavior.  Unfortunately I do the same thing just about every day.  You can set your calendar by what I wear for clothes, the list of places I dine at and things I eat could be counted on one hand, and my options of “fun things to do” has remained fairly stagnant over the past few years.  It’s not that I don’t like changing things up, but its very rare that changes are going to make things better for me.  Far more likely, I find myself opting for changes that benefit others because I know they feel pulled down as a result of me… or the changes I’d like to see are simply unacceptable for the standards others.

Most people who have been involved with me when planning some sort of complicated travel plan would believe I’m against traveling.  That is not true; I am no hermit, and I feel quite skilled at navigating complex maps, airports, and directions.  However the whole pre-departure bit can be a challenge for me.  I think I’m using the word challenge a lot, because its more opaque than words like disaster, uncomfortable, terrified, etc.  In my current state, I live with my family, who are all great family members.  As someone who is 21, I have remained with the same privilege level as I did when I was 17 or 18.  This would be acceptable if the state previously established exceeded the limit or would appropriate satisfy the requirements others have of me now that I am 21.  Alas that is not the case.  I am prompted on a daily basis to head to bed before midnight and encouraged to escort my friends out between 11 and 11:30pm.  Sometimes, even waking up early (like 5:45 AM) will invoke a negative response.  Personally, I wouldn’t mind going to bed at, say 11:30pm, if all my work was done and most of the time, I feel I exercise moderately good judgement when deciding when friends should leave.  However, my current environment doesn’t allow me to appropriately practice such decision making skills without feeling dejected and unaccepted.

I progress.  In the past, I have taken a very very very small number of trips that involved a >2 hour drive to a location where we stayed for longer than 6 hours.  I can’t think of any one of those trips that made me feel like I wasn’t a terrible person when I asked-permission/informed parties of my intent to attend or previous act of attendance.  I get very put off to things that produce repeated negative results.  I can certainly understand that a first or maybe second event would produce some spite, but the continual production of it only hampers my will to try again.

Frequently I get upset, looking around at the environment of others and find myself thinking “how did they get there?” but realistically knowing that being able to follow a similar approach would likely not yield the intended results.

Pulling at me is this concept that I am may be a lesser person, or maybe that’s what my conditioning has made me.  Someone who shouldn’t experience, who shouldn’t think, who shouldn’t disappoint… at least for now.  I don’t see others struggle between two, struggling to find the solution that fits both holes no matter how complicated it may be.  On a positive day I would tell myself to keep going, recognizing that progress can only be made by spinning the wheel, even if it doesn’t move where you want it to.  Today is not a positive day. I find myself disappointed in myself on multiple fronts, and presently unable or unwilling to move.  Unfortunately that lack of momentum will hurt me just as much as moving, but I’ve never been able to provide enough.

I’ve come to accept that its my fault, and I’m ok being written off as a failure if you’d like.  If I were someone else, I’d have trouble writing it off as anything else.