Brian's World

Moving Out

Today I moved 95% of my belongings out of my dorm room at RPI. I wasn’t very sad to be leaving BARH A110, the room I’ve enjoyed for the past two years, but I did find it interesting that I can pack up all of my non-clothes items in under 30 minutes. My walls are decorated with a very small selection of posters to break up the whitespace, and I only include enough pictures on desks/bureaus to provide an even backdrop. This is in stark contrast to many other rooms I visit where people cover the walls from floor to ceiling, sometimes even decorating the ceiling. For a second I was like wow, self, you are a looser if you can pack all of your worldly possessions in under an hour but then I realized that I was actual just being efficient with my possessions, and that most anything important is digital these days anyways.

What did stand out as different this year was the parking lot crowd. It’s possible I didn’t recognize this last year, but it seemed just about everyone was being moved out by a parent (usually a father), While I don’t hold anything against my parents for not helping me move out, I’ve been doing this routine alone since sophomore year and it had never really occurred to me. I suspect a day may come when I wish that I did interact more with my father, but moving out probably isn’t the best way to do so.

Being home is rarely an enjoyable experience these days and I’m starting to think it probably will never be. Despite the fact that I am nearly 22 years old, my mom consistently dictates when I am to do and what she is comfortable with me doing. For example, my dad proposed that I move my desk from the basement to my bedroom so I could spend the majority of my time working in a nicer room that has some windows and lighting. I didn’t even have a chance to consider this idea before my mom installed her opinion, whereby she is uncomfortable with me working in a bedroom because then people will come and visit me in a bedroom and a bedroom is not a hang out zone. Clearly she is afraid of people sitting on a bed. She actually has been for years, while my brother is playing video games upstairs in his bedroom (where there is a desk and a desktop computer) my mom is always weary when Katie and I sit on the bed, which is next to the desk, to interface with my brother. I’m not sure why she is so afraid of people being in bedrooms, but thinking back to my childhood I wasn’t really encouraged to hang out in my bedroom with friends, ever. I almost wonder if I haven’t complained about the aforementioned home issues as much because I’ve been able to easily discuss them with others. Unfortunately this season both individuals I’ve spoken with on this subject are unable to fill in their roles, one moving away from me to deal with more personal concerns and the other only reminding me it’s my fault for being here in the first place because I failed.

Most people enjoy summer as a time to relax, hang out with friends, and take it easy. I do not enjoy any of those things, and would much rather summer be cancelled. During the school year it is moderately acceptable to request time to yourself to work on school assignments and project deadlines but during the summer that all becomes far less easy to do. Its not acceptable for me to spend 3 hours in the evening playing around with an exciting technology project because I should be relaxing and hanging out with others or something like that. Yes, I understand that summer break is one of the few times I can “socialize” with “friends” (read as: ‘hang out’ and ’2 people’ respectively) but I don’t have a desire or need to do that all the time, and whenever I do try and express this alternate logic I am quickly cast away as a terrible person who is all work and never interested in doing fun things. I struggle to balance more commonly accepted views of “fun” with what I personally find as fun, it is really hard to swing between both ends of the spectrum.

Good night moon.

Social Diff

It would be coy of me to avoid some discussion on the events of the previous weekend.  I will include some observations, commentary, and probably a few intentionally vague statements for your consumptions.

This past weekend included more socially interactive experiences than just about every other weekend at RPI this year, possibly combined.  I wouldn’t rate this experience as an all-time/absolute most interactive experience in my time here at RPI, but it probably rivals many of my sophomore year adventures.  Without giving everything away I’d like to talk about, I’ve got two possible directions to head in with this post.  I can spend my time providing a blow-by-blow observational report or I can try and throw some darts at a few non-low hanging fruit… I’ll start with the dart tossing and see where that takes me.

One of the observations that stays with me the most is how things have changed since my last involvement in these sort of things.  I suspect just about everyone has forgotten that two years ago it was not uncommon for me to participate in social activities.  Having “taken” a hiatus of sorts, I haven’t experienced the gradual changes that everyone else has.  I discovered myself commonly labeled as a newcomer, when I should probably be labeled as one of the persons who was involved so early you don’t even remember me.

I think the size of the social group has grown significantly which has made everything much more complicated.  There are no longer 4-8 people considering a trip to the movies, there are more like 15-25.  A larger group doesn’t necessarily complicate everything, but with this particularly group things definitely don’t scale well.  I shan’t spend my time trying to identifying someone to blame for the dismal scaling behaviors, but instead would like to remind everyone to just “be friends,” which is a bit strange for me to say because I don’t consider many people “friends,” but I do encourage people of all walks to get along in a civil and socially acceptable way.  Everyone should also bath regularly and practice proper hygienic behaviors.  End public service announcement.

The growth in group membership has dramatically changed the leadership structure and social stakeholder composition of the group.  I’ve identified maybe 1.5 individuals who have remained (or maybe grown) in their previous roles of influence, the rest being pushed out by those more outspoken, obnoxious, or socially desirable.  In ye olden days, I think one of the reasons that activities were as successfully as they were was because everyone was interested in getting along first, and figuring out exactly what and who would do something second.  Today it seems the reverse is regularly entertained, whereas one person gets an idea and develops it hoping others will jump on board… but others participation is heavily contingent on a very strict set of terms and conditions.  It is no longer “lets go to eat at X,” its now “lets go to eat at X if and only if Y comes along and if Z hasn’t already eaten”.  Please note those variables have no correlation to real people; you’d waste your time assigning names to X,Y, and Z.  Mind you, all of this is coming from someone who doesn’t regularly engage in these sorts of practices.. and when I do I try my best to minimize any additional clauses and strings I bring to the table.  I usually cause no immediate problem if being left out or being unable to participate.  If everything I did had this many strings attached, I’m not sure I’d be able to untangle myself and get out of bed in the morning…. which may be why many people struggle to untangle themselves and rise before the afternoon hours.

One of the things I always try to do before I get involved in a group, socially or otherwise, is evaluate what impact I’m going to have on things.  For those of you who’ve worked on programming with version control systems its very a much like a diff; I try and evaluate what exactly I’m going to change by becoming involved, taking a public stance on a topic, or doing any number of things that people are likely to notice.  The challenge here is usually trying to get an accurate picture of all the different elements at play, so you can really figure out what sort of changes you might cause.  Its easy to identify that by taking step 1 you’ll move in a certain direction, but it’s less clear if that move is going to prevent someone else from moving to that location or create a far more complicated chain of events; this prediction stuff isn’t easy… which I why I usually don’t just do things on a whim.  I’ve spent a particularly large quantity of time evaluating the changes one or two people have made over the past few years, and I’m impressed by the sheer quantity of social adjustments they’ve managed to cause.  I suspect one of the persons may have some clue what they’ve done (which leads me to believe it might have been a well-calculated step) while the other seems to be far less clear on what’s happened.  I’m hesitant to toss blame because it was strategic, at the time, for that person to be kept in as much of the dark as possible because the parties involved didn’t want the individual to know that door existed, never mind be opened or reviewed.  Everyone once in a while I am like hrm, I should buy one of those pine-tree shaped air fresheners and try and clear the bad air here, but then I get reminded how that just is not feasible given my current position and acknowledgement level (or lack thereof).

On another note, it seems common for people to “dance” at events where music is being played.  I do not dance for a multitude of reasons, and when I am coerced into “moving with the music” I usually just vertically bob up and down. I’ve found this move sufficient in large crowds, but doesn’t seem to suffice in more intimate settings.  I don’t try to act like Lady Gaga often, so flailing my arms wildly in the air doesn’t appeal to me very often.  Without drinking, I can’t blame any strange behavior on an inebriated state and get away with all sorts of nonsense.  I also find no cause to “get low” like many songs suggest, and you won’t find me “jump”ing without due cause.  I have no interest in being a backup dancer for any music video so duplicating those moves is of no value to me.    To me, demonstrating an ability to dance is like a trump card, something I should only pull out when I really really really need to.  Until that point, I will continue to stand while you make a fool of yourself.  I will avoid laughing to your face because you probably need the exercise.

On a different topic; I recently uninstalled the Office 2010 beta and installed the final version… I’m pretty impressed with it.  It feels a lot more polished than Office 2007.  This is kind of like the Vista to Windows 7 update, except Office 2007 (aka vista) wasn’t as broken to begin with.  I am also trying to figure out what I should request as a token to celebrate my graduation.  My dad has told me to buy something, send it home, and he will wrap it so I can act surprised.

Good night moon.

Uncharted Seas

I find myself sailing in uncharted seas.  I’m sure I’m not the only one to be taking these routes, but I’m certainly not paddling with the rest of the boats anymore. I don’t typically associate myself as a follower of the crowd, but I always liked have a point of reference on the horizon should I start taking on water or feeling astray.  For those of you who don’t know, I’ll be graduating in May with a BS in Computer Engineering from RPI, and the next day (or whenever they think I’m done with that program) I’ll be joining a graduate program in the Computer Science Department to pursue an MS in Computer Science.  I’ll talk about the Computer Engineering vs Computer Science  transition in depth in a further blog.

Around me, most everyone I’ve come to know is graduating.  My fellow freshmen from 2006 are going to be graduating and a bunch of other “delayed” students will be graduating and moving on as well.  I’ve finally come to think of it, the group in which I interact with most has remained fairly steady for the past 2.5 to 3 years… we’ve only had a small handful (3?) graduates who’ve left the Rensselaer Community and this year the opposite situation seems true; there are going to be like 3-4 of us still around here.  All technical considerations aside, next year will be a proving year.

Tonight was the last RPI TV meeting of the semester, many members who are graduating (and leaving the community) were recognized and afterwards went out to engage in celebratory activities of some sort.  While I don’t tend to engage in such behaviors, I’m torn whether I should consider myself a true graduate or not and/or have a rightful place at the table.  Sure, I’ll be walking across a stage in a few weeks and getting a piece of paper that symbolizes my work, but I’ll still be eating in the Rathskeller come next fall.  To jump back to a previous thought, I think past generations have had this slightly easier, there has been a strong supporting group (i.e everyone who is graduating this year) that was around to interact with after they’re designated class year left; I’m left with much less.

What strikes me is not that I’m going to be in a situation without many friends, because I don’t call too many people “friends,” but I will be in a situation without too many people I’ve established lines of communication with or have strong work relationships with.  Earlier this week I found myself exploring the lack of an echo response when communicating with someone who will be around next year; and these sort of worries and incidents are not isolated.  Maybe I just lucked out with the acquaintances I made several years ago.  I will remain optimistic that things will rapidly scaffold themselves together when the time is right.

I’ll take a brief turn to talk a little bit about alcohol consumption, which will likely serve (like many things in these blogs do), an a metaphor.  I don’t consume alcoholic beverages while most people do.  I’ve concluded this may create slightly uncomfortable situations in “pubs” and “bars,” especially those typically serving the college-scene that expect many patrons to consume alcohol.  I do wonder if this time of year people engage in these deindividualizing practices more because they too are fearful of the future under the guise of fearing the present.  If you’ve been admitted to RPI or any college for that matter, and especially if you are four years into a program at such a school,  there is a high probability you know how to learn and what you need to do to sufficiently complete a final exam or a final project.  You’ve done this a 7 or 8 times and this year probably isn’t any different.  I postulate drinking because one is worried about exams serves only a superficial excuse to avoid exploring the deeper issues at play, like future life plans or potential social ostracization.  I think its safer for us to do dinner.

On a slightly less abstract side of life, my latest mission is to secure living quarters for the fall semester and beyond (spring semester).  Unfortunately I won’t be able to camp out in BARH A110 much longer, and the options officially extended from RPI, like many things around here, come with lots of paperwork with no guarantees.  Moving off campus seems to be the next logical step, which of course I am looking into months after most of the living facilities have been snatched up.  I shall continue to search online to find a suitable place for someone like myself to live in.  Having no experience, this is slightly worrisome, but I’m sure I can figure something out… someone famous once indicated there are always opportunities for new experiences.

Good night moon.