Where I don't care what others think


January 30th, 2008 Posted in College, Life, Mistakes, Problems, Stupid People

So Katie’s really busy right now, I don’t have anything extra important to do so here I am back at the blog. I wrote some Digital Signage yesterday, its coming out pretty decent I think. Actually I have no clue, I can’t actually see what any of my code does to be honest. The frontend of the backend is being written by Mike DiTore, so my backend of the backend just does stuff, it doesn’t show you what its doing.. it just does.

I decided that time is no longer my friend, specifically the sequencing of events. A great example is summer employment. I applied to Tighe and Bond where my dad works to do some computer stuff. In the interview they told me March was usually when they get around to making decisions, etc. Well its the last week in January and they already made a decision. Typically I would be excited that I had something lined up.. but of course I now have to accept/decline their offer in a timely fashion.. again, not a huge problem.. except for the fact I planned on applying for Google’s Summer of Code project again. I know, there isn’t a huge chance I’ll get accepted, but there is a chance.. and I think spending the summer programming would be cool. GSOC, as I’ll refer to it, won’t be open until March.. which does not work well if I have to get back to T & B this week. Yuck.

In other news.. I’m defragmenting my external hard drives.. I just cleaned up a lot of junk and I imagine storing lots of video results in lots of unwanted fragments. Ideally I’d like to turn that into NAS unit at some point, but that will require a computer to serve as the controller for it. Likely a project I’ll put off until summer, where I’ll keep putting it off because my parents will coerce me into not spending my money once again.

As if Christmas couldn’t get any worse… I have recently received word that the only X-Mas gift I might have had hope of turning into something moderately decent has just washed away. I was hoping the whole “you can take responsibility and do something with it” mentality would work out but of course that was optimistic and dumb. I am no longer have a good day.. which I was actually trying to have today.

And as if I was having a good day yesterday, I continued to my mental debate of want, and how it might feel to be wanted. While I planned on dedicated an entire blog to it, I’ll just slip my thoughts in here. I find it very depressing to look back at my life and recall times I’ve been wanted or desired for anything. The most common example that comes to mind is relationships. I was most certainly not the coolest kid in school, nor was I trying to be. I recall several Valentines days where just about everyone would get flowers from a crush or a friend, even my friends that enjoyed reading as much as I enjoy computers got flowers. I got none. I recall a discussion with a teacher, Ms. Devine, who was trying to make those of use (there were 2) who didn’t get flowers feel less bad, by saying something like “In college you’ll make up for it.” That wasn’t her exact phrasing, but it was phrased in such a manner to make me believe that in college girls would care less about being cool and more about other things that I might be good at, like computers. While I’m only partway through college, my initial reports have yielded 0 results that could even be heavily modified to be correct. And no, I don’t mean to pull this entire blog into a romanic relationship thing, because I’m in a relationship with someone at the moment and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Expanding out to a larger social setting, I’ve found I’m wanted for very little.. and I can expand this beyond the social setting as well.

There are very few tasks that only I can perform, and I’ve found I’m typically assigned tasks because of 2 conditions. 1) I’m there and 2) I’m capable. I’m never assigned tasks because I offer some insight someone else wouldn’t…. frequently I find that other people feel it necessary to fill in the insight for me, removing any chance of enjoyment. People complain why I don’t let go of certain ties to High School and the Tiger Times and the reason is pretty simple to me, those two entities are places where I’m asked to do tasks because no one else can, or no one else knows how. A great example is digitial signage, where I’m tasked with with writing Database interaction classes… its pretty boring stuff. I write SQL and manipulate variables that we (any by we I mean just about everyone on the coding team but me) established. No, I wouldn’t be the person who’s ideal for developing the user interface, and I don’t have the javascript skill required to create a well featured frontend.. but I feel stripped of my insight again, where others feel it necessary to do that for me.

This topic came about when I was thinking about desire, and how some people are desired by others, most likely to establish some form of a relationship. I wish they realized how lucky they are to be wanted, to know that if W doesn’t work out then X, Y, and probably Z are lined up and waiting. I have no such backup, hence I don’t let go to much. I try not to be a completely undesirable person. I maintain decent personal hygiene habits, I wash my clothes weekly, I don’t wear black eyeliner, and I try not to act completely scary. Yes, I am shy, and I’m generally not the kind of person that will speak to you unless I have some inherent reason to. I don’t these these downfalls break my social bank do they? I guess so… or.. more likely.. is that I’m missing something that is oh so terrible about me.

I recognize that females tend to be wanted more often than guys; regardless of their current status in any number of categories… and that’s not the type of wanting I have ever been seeking. I think an awesome piece of data to throw in here would be the average total carnation per female ratio, but I lack said data. I give poor advice when told about people having a crush on certain people because I don’t have any real knowledge in that field. I like one person, and I can’t say I’ve been ‘liked’ by any statistically large number of people ever.. where statistically large might be > 3. Maybe everyone had a secret crush on me and they did such a great job keeping it a secret I didn’t realize it ever… hrm… this doesn’t seem very probably now does it.

In conclusion, I would like you.. the reader… to think about who you are.. how many people have liked, wanted, or desired you at some point in your life. Then I want you to write them all a thank you card.. jk thats wierd. Then you should think about how you would be different if those people didn’t exist. Where would you be today, tomorrow.. and, more importantly, this weekend.

Part 2 of the 3 part series is coming soon.

Brian out.

  1. 3 Responses to “Want”

  2. By katie on Jan 31, 2008

    Interesting blog W.

    It really made my mind think, thats for sure. When was this blog started, and when and why was I busy? Perhaps writing an essay or something, I’m not quite sure.

    Tighe and Bond. erm. anywho. GSOC wise u should apply to more than one, like i told u to last year. On another note, do u want to turn into ur dad? Sure hes a great guy, but i think children need to figure out who they r and go off in their own directions, not follow persuit.

    I need money. Maybe a job, but can u see me working? Yeah me neither unless it was some boring like job i do for connections, then i would be pro. No stupid SH student jobs for me please.

    We are all wanted and desired by people, always, even if we don’t know it. Hey, and I never got a flower, and you totally should have boughten one for me, which i don’t believe u did. So don’t feel so terrible.

    When you discussed about Ms. Devine and college, it made me sad, in a way. Well, i dont know if sad is the right word. It sorta seems like you want someone at college to catch your eye and to fall passionately in love with them, and then marry them. Right? You’re prob thinking oh, people usually find the one they are going to marry in college, so that’s what i need. Or maybe you just want to be a player. Or maybe have a gf closer by? Either way, i think/felt i was a bit out of the picture. It’s ok tho, do as u must.

    I don’t think I have an X, Y, and Z for backup. I may have an Xish if i changed a bit, and maybe a Y if i were to hang out with another constantly and was single for a while and more flirty, but I don’t quite know.

    Jean liked you. We all know she did. And even though we love jean now, she wasn’t happy when she found out you liked me. You also used to hang out with ur neighbors, who were mostly female. So who cares right?

    I guess some people are just able to hang out with certain sexes of the other. I may have more guy friends who want to be with me, hang out, or such, but that’s prob due to the fact that hanging out with females is just not how i roll, and i find it to be very catty and unfun. So sue me.

    Yes, I have liked lots of people. Yes, they were bad boys, or such. But i enjoyed my time, and saw them for who they were, while every one of my friends hated me for being with them, and made fun of me, and turned their backs on me. Think how that would feel, because i chose to be friends with someone else who wasn’t quite like them.

    I wouldnt say im desired. But i wouldn’t really know if thats true or not, or how much, since im in a relationship guys tend to not let that info slip.

    If those people didnt exist I would still be me. A little more bored and such, but i would still be me. I would prob be lonely too.

    But i do kno how it feels to loose ppl to the extent that it seems they dont exist. Two years ago i made a decision and to this day i still worry and wonder about what i did or what i could have done differently. I lost one of my closet friends at the time and they never gave me a reason or discussed it. Now when i see them maybe once or twice a year randomly all those feelings come back and wonder. But times change and people move on. Sure i would love to be desired by them again, and hang out with them and such, but people make choices, and sometimes we have to let go, even if its soo hard and we don’t feel like it’ll be worth it in the end.

    Well, here’s to friends and those who stick around, and even to those who walk out. A memory is forever, and feelings will always be there. We must learn to live with our fears, desires, and hopes and take life as it comes.

    I miss the old days.
    But some of the new days aren’t all that bad.

    k to the t

  3. By katie on Jan 31, 2008

    one more thing.

    no matter what you do in ur life, i’ll support you.
    sometimes it may not seem it, but maybe it’s because i wish i could shine and really make something of myself, the way u have.

  4. By BrZ on Feb 10, 2008

    Hey Brian,

    For what it’s worth, I think the other people on the Concerto team really value your insight into many different aspects of the system. I wasn’t kidding around when I said in the Feb 8 meeting that I really wanted to hear your opinion regarding the logo, name, and branding of the system. I did it because I think that you’re able to see past the polarization and resulting confusion of a debate and apply logic to make the right choice.

    I think we all understand that writing classes is really boring, and while I can’t speak for the entire team, I’d be willing to bet that any of us would love to find a way for you to get more enjoyment out of working on the development of the final product. What I’d ask is that you make your feelings more apparent when you start to feel down about what you’re working on. Between Mike with the back end, Tom with the front end, and me with the interface, I’m sure we’d all be very interested in including you on some of the other parts of the system, even if you only want to give us feedback on what works and what doesn’t work. After all, you’re the technical leader of the team, and for good reason.

    Let’s talk about it sometime.


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