Sometimes I hate it when I start thinking, I don’t like to think of myself as any con of a philosopher, but I like to contemplate being alone frequently; usually when I’m alone, or when I’m so busy I wish I was alone. Most people get bored or uncomfortable being alone, just sitting around, silent. I think thats why so many people are obnoxious and don’t shut up, they’re too uncomfortable to sit down silently, alone, knowing they’ll have to face their own problems. Me? I admit problems left and right, I tend not to dwell often on the specific identification of the problem, as soon as I have something to work with I’ll start working on it, flushing out the rest as I can. Very AJAX’y.. lol. Wow, I think I just related my life to web 2.0. I need to move on quickly.
Well tonight, as most weeknights, I spend it alone after 10pm. Me and the internet, I haven’t found myself playing and MMORPG’s lately, nor participating in any large internet’ed activities. Sure, I commonly miss the MMORPG.. but I know my brother Kevin will always beat me at it. Yea, the ARG scene is great; but I have a very strange involvement. Coding? I tend to be the lone coder. If I’m working on any “group” projects, they are so heavily componentized that I rarely deal with anyone else. Sometimes typing all the code yourself is boring, especially when its the same code several times, or you’ve got the blueprint in your head and you know there will be 0 problems implementing it, just typing because it won’t type itself. If I was feeling extra motivated I would make a drag-and-drop php programming thing, I tend to have the same code just in different formats. But doesn’t everyone?
It sounds weird, but I enjoy disappointment… well not exactly, I don’t enjoy being let down.. maybe modesty is a better word. I like modesty, I don’t like huge crazy events very often. I’m not a fan of going out to a party with several other people, I would much rather sit and stare at a a wall. You can do a lot with a white wall, good for thinking. Speaking of white walls.. the clock is stuck at 8:24:13, ever since we knocked it off the wall approx. 12 times it stopped working well.
For example, tomorrow is my birthday. I don’t want a 19th birthday party or anything of the sort. I didn’t have a huge 18th birthday party, 3-5 friends got me a cake and some balloons and a few things, mostly spearheaded by Katie. I think that was big enough for me, more than 3-5 people and I tend to isolate myself from others, seeing how they’re better at mingling with each other.
Lets take my Eagle Ceremony. I was the only person getting the award, now discard the fact that no one from SHHS showed up :-(.. but I found myself just like blah. While I made my way around to thank people and such, I found that I could just as easily stop and just stand there, all alone. No one noticed, everyone was just as content talking amongst themselves. You could call it depressing, or you could look at it as if I facilitated their communication. Yea, I like the second better too.
For me, I dunno. Silence is great, I don’t need to talk to feel ok or happy. I don’t need to be doing things to not be bored. Of course then the logical part of me kicks in, generally while I’m showering in the morning.. like hey you, today your gonna rewrite such and such, or do blah-de-blah but then motivation secedes to E.R reruns and Walker: Texas Ranger. I like to think of myself as the Texas Ranger of the internet, even though I don’t carry a digital gun, nor do I pretend to be Neo and break my back every 3.4 seconds, but who doesn’t like to think their special.
But tonight, its just me and Mr. Joel, catching a flight to Leningrad. Care to come?