I cannot help but be lonely tonight, for some reason I feel like I’m in a very similar mental state to where I was during the summer / early fall before my senior year. The circumstances are very similar, yes, during that summer I did not have Katie; but at this very moment I don’t have her as she is asleep in bed, or trying to fall asleep. (Tomorrow is the SATS) But regardless of where she is, she’s not with me.
This is my last weekend here at RPI for the academic year, I’ll be back in August to start my Sophmore year, but that seems very far away. When there is nothing going on for me, my time goes very slow. Prior to writing this post I found myself talking into a mirror, spinning on my chair, and checking the clock every 2 minutes.
I get this way when stuff is going on, stuff I’m not involved in. Sometimes I’m ok with not being involved, or I try to act like I’m ok with it because I want to be ok. For example if friends of mine go to a party or something that I’m not invited to or “too afraid” to attend I try to be ok with it, supportive of them on return when the fact is maybe I’m not ok with it. But thats not their problem to worry about, its mine and I don’t want to press it onto others.
Tonight, just about all of my “acquaintances” are at an RPI TV / Student Senate movie night watching Casino Royale. Yes, I’d like to see that movie and I know I won’t be able to watch it with Katie, its not her kinda movie. I’m not there because of a few factors, I don’t like to do things I don’t know what going on, or I can’t pretend to know. I’d much rather observe one of these so called “movie nights” before stumbling in on one myself. Sure, the facebook photos are a valid start, but they’re not very descriptive of whats going on. Secondly, I feel like I shouldn’t go, part of the Brian isn’t part of the social aspects motives I have. I do work, thats what I’m good at and enjoy doing most of the time. I don’t party, tell many jokes, or socialize with others often. After I’ve figured out how to work, say like my senior year in High School, maybe I can try to do that, but as a freshmen in college I know I should stay on the work, even Friday night at 10:55pm when there really isn’t work to be done. Sometimes I wish I was different, but then I just remember who I am. Thirdly, I know if I were to go, some people would be mad at me for “ditching” them. I really don’t like the word ditching, as it implies running away from someone waiting for you or something. But that would cause problems, and I don’t like problems. Few people know what its like to be like this so often, I haven’t had “good times” to come close to balance it, when I close my eyes and remember there are no good memories of times to look up to and dream about; thats something to be very thankful for.
In the normal day I would go to sleep and wake up early, because in the mornings I can be someone. There aren’t many people awake early on a weekend, but there are always plenty of people staying up late. As for why I’m not going to bed, I’m fearing tomorrow. It will likely be a bad day. People will be mad at me for working and doing things when thats all I have most of the time. Others have “friends” they can talk to, work on projects with, socialize with. Yes, I have an intricate understanding of the situations, people and all, but that doesn’t mean I’m not jealous. When push comes to shove, someone will notice you’ve been knocked over. When push comes to shove me, its like the lone domino.
I’m going to bed I guess, I’ll pretend the pillow cares. Rinse, Lather, Repeat.. bah, how about Sleep, Awake, Repeat.
((A historical note, I think this blog’s tone and word choice is much like most of my older blogs, I’ll think about any potential significance later))