I apologize for the lack of good content in some of my previous blogs, for me to have something good to write about I need to have a little passion in me, and at those current times I had little to none.
Myspace blogs let you describe mood, my blog does not. I’ll make it…
I am currently feeling discontent/frustrated/about to explode.
You know that feeling where something is or has been building inside of you and it just wants to rip you apart sometimes? Well I’m feeling it at the moment.
I just returned from an RPI TV meeting, those meetings tend to cause a bottleneck effect on me and I’ll try to focus on that effect and some of its channels during this blog.
I feel capped, like a soda bottle, building up with pressure waiting to explode. There are so many things I wish I could bring myself to say, ideas to offer, thoughts, opinions, you name it.. chances are this is something I would like to say about it. For some reason I can’t get it out. I know that I would be much more comfortable in some online e-meeting but that won’t happen. I’ve done my darndest to get comfortable with people here at RPI but I feel like I’ve gotten virtually nowhere. There are a few, by few I mean 2, members that I can talk to openly about ideas, thoughts, etc. but only when in the small setting (i.e filming student senate meeting). Otherwise at the large full body, or even executive board meetings I feel mute, like I frequently do in classes. I’m not sure if there is a lack of welcoming, I’m just not ‘feeling’ the welcoming effect, I have poor self-esteem issues, I don’t really know. But its frustrating. I just feel my place is to be a mute, and thats all I’m good for. Nodding my head up and down or side to side. I have ideas to contribute, I just feel that as a freshmen they will be disregarded.
Maybe this is because how I am. I don’t like to talk about an idea unless I know it thoroughly. I won’t say something without some idea of whats going on with it. As such, my knowledge of RPI TV is limited to meetings, and Student Senate meetings. One great example today, the Senate was asking me about RPI TV’s message board. Which I know nothing about, of course I made up some answer that seemed logical to me, they all bought it… but thats why I don’t like to speak. I really want to know the inner workings of everything. It still seems like a curtain exists between me and the mystical powers that be. Slides are emailed in and then a magic select few make them magically appear on TV. Shows are passed off and then mystically programmed to air.
I understand that I shouldn’t have the responsibility of any of these things, its simply not my job.. but I’d at least like to know what happens. Then if I ever need to fill in, or bluff an answer, I can do so at least half decently.
I consider myself a decent leader, I’ve attended leadership courses, taught leadership courses, applied and used leadership, and passed on leadership, but right now I feel as if those skills are about as useful as the green furby skin I extracted a few months ago. Yea.. that useless. RPI constantly preached in there emails advertising to me that I can be a leader, start something new, stand out, blah blah blah.. so far I’ve seen none of it. Yes, while the opportunity exists for someone to be a leader, the opportunity doesn’t exist for me.
I see a couple of possible things I could do if I had some say, or even the ability to speak. I would look into ripping down the wall in the RPI TV closets in Sharp to start. I’ve been there twice. They’re decent, but there closets… taken down the seperation wall and spruce the place up with a small amount of money, homedepot, and some elbow grease and I think you can turn the space into something useful. Its not ideal, but it would be a start.
Go Live and Linear. So what if its more work? Its actually less work in the long run, no need to edit means less time before things can get on TV. Why not just do them live? Sometimes I feel like its against the rules for RPI TV to air anything within a week of the actual event. Eventually this boils down to a lot of talking and not a lot of actual productions.
If you expect a budget, or to get recognized, you have to actually do stuff. If RPI TV aired shows even 50% of the time people might actually care enough to give what RPI TV asks for.
Ok, there was my big RPI TV vent for now.. a little got out… of course theres more about other things.
I wish there was a collection of web developers or people that can actually provide me with some assistance here. I know there are very knowledgeable students at RPI, as a freshmen I’m not surrounded by two many of them. By the time they know how to work a database I’ll be off working on something else I’m sure… I really wish my server idea had taken ground, even a little. I’m far to self concious to walk into the Union Admin office and try this all by myself.. and a club isn’t a club with one member (Cue the song “One is the Loneliest Number”.) . I am sick an tired of bouncing my programming ideas off Google. I’ve considered IRC but those people are a different breed.
Maybe I’m stuck on the treadmill because I lack support and self motivation. Back when I first rolled out Brispace, the Myspace clone, I had the support of my friends. It was great, I could tell them I was working on a new feature and they would ask how its going, or when it would be done, or give me a suggestion or something. Nothining in code, but an idea or something… Now with my projects I see little support, my family tries to care but mom’s ideas are wierd, my friends are very busy with school work and there activities. I try my hardest to support them, help them when they need it.. fix this, design that, give my opinion… but when it comes time for me to do anything either they don’t care to listen and aren’t open to the idea, or simply don’t have the background to help me when I need difficult technical advice.
One great issue I’ve spent close to a month looking at is file uploads. How can I effectively allow a user to upload a file of size (unlimited) to a remote server over the internet? Who can answer that.. php isn’t effective.. I don’t like Java.. flash would rely on php, I don’t know cgi… ugh..
Thats why I really wish this idea would get funding or get me a job.. then I could pay people to be smart enough to understand, and if you pay someone enough they’ll care, or care as much as they need to to get paid.
Today at the Senate meeting there was discussion on Digital Signs here on campus and there was some talk of looking for more people. I’d love to be involved in that and I have a little experience with Message board type-applications. Of course I am only a freshmen, who wants to listen to someone so young.. and I don’t know anything about LDAP or Ruby on Rails… nor do I care where the shuttles are..
I’m very frustrated… I’ll go to sleep.
Not like anyone cared.