Several times in life I wish there was an Undo button, almost like the staples Easy button.. but maybe with a little more power associated. This evening was one such occasion.
As many of you know, I am very attached to the Tiger Times and SHHS. For me, I spent the first three years in high school without many close friends, many had been seperated from my by the music program. I didn’t hangout with people on weekend, I starred out the window at the white limo leaving my neighbors driveway 4-5 times as cotillions/prom came an went. Of course I wasn’t there, who would go alone… not just like stag with a group of others, but I meant alone alone. I never went to any parties or was involved or assocaited with any “questionable” acts that people constantly look back on as memories of good times.
For me everything has been about pretending. I’ve pretended to not care that I did chores as weekend instead of call a friend. I pretended that I actually knew the 200 buddies on my list and that I had actually chatted with them at one point or another. (Of course this wasn’t true, I wrote a script to harvest buddy lists from AIM) I pretended that I could save the world, and that the code or server or whatever I was working on was actually important. I spent my time imagining what it would be like to attend cotillion, go to a real party, or hangout with friends… I call these “simulations”. I would run a type of thought experiment to see what happens, and try to learn from it. I gave myself an overall mission for High School, always pretending of course, and convinced myself that not being socially involved was a component of this mission. (No, I won’t reveal the mission)
It wasn’t until senior year when I met this girl that some of the pretending started to change. I didn’t have to pretend to have friends anymore, I actually had a girlfriend. Eventually I started hanging out with her and trying to find things to do. Luckily for me she was very patient as I had missed out on just about everything people did that was cool in HS or Middle School. Somehow, using her superheroess like powers she got me to lighten up and be more human and less scarry.
Somewhere in there I was told to quit all that and go to college, no.. not quit Katie my girlfriend.. but quit everything I learned in high school, the Tiger Times, scouts, etc. I pretended it would be easy, just like going to a freakisly extended summer camp. Of course I should have known that I can’t pretend the rest of my life is just a freakishly long summer camp. There’s no coming home after it, your dead!
I’ve suffered from withdrawl from the world for the past few months. I dislike not being exposed to world news with my parents watching World News Tonight after dinner. I dislike not being involved like high school. I dislike the fact that there is one person that relies on me, yes.. that person happens to be the biggest person in my life (not physically), but I’ve screwed up so much that I can’t be relied on for half of things. I liked to think that I can or have changed the world. I believe in the butterfly effect to some degree, but what I struggle to see is where am I.
I spend the past semester hiding this with work, I used the guise of a full inbox to keep me constantly busy, the same technique I employed for 4 years of highschool. Yesteday my inbox emptied, it wasn’t just a day thing.. I could see it coming. I builtup a todo list, and it stopped building. I got everything done and uh oh. Blank screen.
I made the mistake of trying to give myself work, something to do, something to focus my efforts on, the problem was I picked the completely wrong topic. Deep down you may think I actually wanted it… but deeper than that I know I couldn’t do it. I already went out without a bang (thanks guys), and I don’t think I’ll be ready to make another formal attempt anytime soon. Maybe its because I never got a simple thank you from the people I effected the most. That is if I actually effected anyone. Not once in my HS career, or life to date, has a student of SHHS come up to me and say thanks for doing the announcements, faculty have said nice job, but never thanks. The Principal gave me an award for fixing computers, not doing the TT. I’m not asking for a huge ta-da trophy or formal recognition… it just would have been a nice ending to shake someone’s hand when they said thanks a lot, well done.
Being in charge, that was my job.. I was suppose to thank those who worked for me and pass the torch off, I’m not sure.. but somewhere in there I caught myself on fire.
I realized this a little while ago and tried to fix things, cancel my plans, but I just can’t figure it out.
I think I need to get a new mission for college, pretend or not.. its something that can keep me going… well its something that I can use to keep myself going..