I won’t talk about it, it’s too embarrassing. I looked until I wised up. I stopped making a fool of myself, but something died inside of me – something that I’d always sort of liked and admired. In its place grew a scar – a tough spot but also a sore spot.
(Daniel Quinn, Ishmael pg 6)
I just threw a book and turned on a tap light. I feel rather accomplished in a who really cares kind of sense.
That can apply to so much right now. I feel lost. Thats probably the best way to describe it. So many things I wanted to do I’m not. So many places I wanted to see I didn’t. I’m in a new enviroment experiencing no closure on the old one. I wasn’t ready to be here, and I don’t know if time can change that.
Today I ran into a sophmore here who went to SHHS, Andrea Dalton, she asked if I liked it here, I said “Sure, I guess”. “I guess? You’ll like it.. just give it time.” She replied. That made me think about stuffs. How do we change over time? Over time we forget, we change, we mold, we think. What stays the same. I can think of very few things on a consious level that are the same for me from when I was in Kindergarden, or possible even last year at this time. I don’t think change is what really effects us, its the time that change takes place over that does. Lets look at in like calculus. Its not the function that matters, its the intergal of that function that does. Change that occurs swiftly is more likely to be dramatic and the logical link would be that said change would cause more emotional issues. I debate that topic, all change causes the same issues. Change over time, gives you more time to disregard and forget those issue. Personally, I have the problem of forgetting the wrong things. I forget how things were, how they felt, how me was. I don’t forget my thought process, I don’t forget the heartbeat that keeps me going, I don’t forget my mind. I lookback and say congrats sir. (Yes, I call myself sir) You’ve managed to mess everything up. You are nowhere you wanted to see yourself. I left more loose ends than a rug with tassely things. Looking back, I go “what are you doing there idiot?”
Before going to college I thought to myself how interesting it would be to be able to look forward into my college life and see how things were, so I could see what I should change. Well, I’m trying to do that and I want to slap myself. Not for the past week, not for the past month, but for the past decade of doing things differently then I want.
I’m great at planning, I can think up a solution to just about any situation (still working on a tough one) but its the impletation where I fail. I don’t know how to make it work, or how to go about doing it. If you can think you’re useless. If you can do your useless. Until you master both do you actually get somewhere.
I need to recognize where I started going the wrong way, where did I shut up, when did I start listening to people, when did I stop writing freakishly long blog comments? When did I stop commenting obsessively? Was that just a fad? No, I don’t think so. I need to find the motivation, and its hard when one can’t do anything right. I can’t “get rolling” because I’ve come to a complete roll, maybe backwards… not only do I have to find the forward switch, I need to hope it works….