Brian's World

Five for Fighting – One for Failing

Turns out I’m the only person that can fail without even trying… not that takes some serious skill. I’ve been shutdown before I started, well in some sense i started… but not officially in my mind. Now that takes madd effort on my part.

This is the usual remorse/regret blog, not the first of its time.. but the only one that’s been written while listening to music.

Ok, I gave myself permission to be upset with myself. Why? Because it’s not easy to be me, sure.. you all think it is, no real problems in my life… but i deal with stuff that most people don’t. I have issues with some of the wierdest topics, what seems like instinct one way or another, can turn into a huge moral debate. In some aspects I’ve misplaced a part of me I was proud to have, the part of me that didn’t consider possibilities. And unfortunately I don’t know where I put it, and to add to that I don’t know there is anyway I can makeup for some of my mistakes.

April has been a pretty bad month, I haven’t been myself and I know that I need to fix that. It hasn’t helped with a home situation that unpleasent, school cram time, etc, etc.. but I don’t mean to make excuses. Subconsiously I think I do mean to… next time I won’t even mention them.

God I feel pretty bad at the moment. I can’t help but think that things will get better, or i’ve been told that again and again… my problem is I don’t know where better is. And do I even want to go there? Maybe I should sit here in unfun land as punishment?

I’m not sure what I need to make me feel better. I fear that getting out of my house might lead to triggers, which I’m avoiding extensively. But I know I have AP tests so I can’t break my concentrations… what a poor week to feel like this… it’s song markup time!

I can’t stand to fly (but I think there is something better than walking)
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me (and I’ve pretty much given up looking)

I’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane (Most of the time, but sometimes i feel I stoop to their level)
More than some pretty face beside a train (I’m def not pretty at all)
It’s not easy to be me (even tho everyone thinks it is)

Wish that I could cry (I don’t wish, I have)
Fall upon my knees (I’ll fall on my pillow)
Find a way to lie (If I could only pretend I wasn’t having these issues)
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed (and when a hero bleeds, get the trauma padding)
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream (meh)
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…you can all sleep sound tonight (because I won’t be, so you should)
I’m not crazy…or anything… (most of the time)

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride (But i haven’t recognized and accepted this yet)
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet (wat?!?)
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet (oh yea, he wears a cape)
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me (and I can’t find anything)
Inside me (I need to restore a quality that I’ve misplaced without restoring the whole me)
Yeah, inside me (I wish I was good at finding things)
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet (i wore a cape once…)
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream (and I don’t know what it is or where I’ll find it)

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…

Its not easy to be me