Brian's World

Turbulence

I originally opened up may laptop to write to tell the tale of another day in the life of me.  The thought did cross my mind, that these stories don’t tend to help me and I might be better off going to sleep. I guess I’ve convinced myself otherwise.  Even if this account goes unnoticed, it will at least contribute to the records… providing a bigger pool of data for whenever something comes along that needs it.

These past few days have been pretty rough for me, far from the smooth sailing days of say 3-4 weeks ago.  Sure, 3-4 weeks ago I was still trying to figure out that rest of my life bit, but at least 3-4 weeks ago I had just submitted some applications online.  Now that all the time has passed I’m started to float two ideas in my mind. 1) I’m doing something very wrong in the application process or 2) I have no future working at a company that I’ve identified/applied to thus far.  I’m hesitant to discredit #1 because then I’m left only with #2 which I really don’t want to accept at this moment in my life.  Maybe next week will be a better week to swallow that news.   I suspect that my GPA is probably to blame here, only because my resume doesn’t provide me an adequate platform to say “… all while I’ve driven the development of N web development projects and done a bunch of other useful things.”  If you are looking to hire me to design circuitry, my GPA is a pretty accurate reflection of my skill and knowledge, if your looking to hire me to develop cool pieces of software you really should look elsewhere.

Now that I’ve lost the readers who skim just the first paragraph with that pretty bland material, I’d dive into the more distressing topics.

I filmed three hockey games over the past three days.  If you know me well, you know that I am not a hockey fan at all.  Names like Malchuck and Pirri sound like Pokemon to me, not players on a team.  I filmed the games because RPI TV needed help and I was around, if the usually 40-person crew was available I would not have been there, but twas not the case since it’s spring break and all the freshmen head home.  I’m going to save my discussion of the filming of hockey for another blog…

But I’ll certainly elaborate on some of the non-hockey non-filming things that happened.

For example, during the last game we filmed I learned I’ve been painted over in someone’s memory… at least in once instance.  I guess I should have expected it considering the memory was 3 years old, but I still remember these sorts of things somewhat well.  Let me provide a little dash of hypothetical background: lets say you once had what you considered to be a friend;  as time has passed that individual has transitioned from being a friend to more like an associate or coworker like everyone else.  That person proceeds to tell a story about something you did together, but replaces you with someone a bit newer in their life.  Of course the person you have been replaced quickly affirms their role in the story because they are always willing to associate with non-negative social situation.  Hypothetically, you might be left to think if they just accidental forgot who was there or they’ve done a find and replace of any memory of you as a friend in their mind with someone else.  I guess I shouldn’t fault someone if they have chosen to globally find and replace me, its probably safer that way.  You wouldn’t want any potentially unauthorized (by association)  actions to come to light in a background query these days.

I shouldn’t lie, my memory is poor as well.  I try really hard to provide accurate accounts, but when I do have to make up the details I try my hardest to make sure that no one could possible call or notice my bluff or I let people know that I’m completely guessing here.

Sometimes I get disappointed when I overhear others planning to engage in things that I’m not authorized or able to engage in.  I’ve gotten pretty good at handling the not-authorized bits over the past few years, its mainly the not-able items that get to me the most.  That is probably because I dislike things I can’t do.  For example, freshman year I couldn’t do 10 push ups to save my life, I can now do a very acceptable amount.  The ability to do push-ups is unlikely to help me much,  but I opted to do it just because I wasn’t able to before.  I can probably break “non-able” situations (there has to be a better phrase than non-able) into two groups, self limited and externally limited.  Clearly self-limited non-able scenarios are preferable because I’m the only to blame (like the push up scenario).  The externally limited ones are much harder to navigate, like navigating the parents-treating-you-like-your-16 river.  That is one river I definitely stuck in a canoe in.  I don’t like canoes very much, they are highly inefficient modes of water transportation, but I guess you can fashion them out of a tree if you need to.  Rowboats and kayaks are far preferable for any serious water transportation efforts.

Good night moon.

Interactivity

Tonight has been a highly predictable tonight.  Things went exactly how I knew they would, which is to say there were zero surprises or turns.

A quick recap of events:  This afternoon I had to activate video playback on the Alumni House Concerto screen so they could watch the Legends of ‘85.  The computer powering the screen isn’t super powerful  so it stuttered a bit when playing it back, the frame rate might have been in the single digits.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t much I could do that wouldn’t threaten the stability of the system so I had to leave these moderately bad looking video (by my standards) playing.  After setting that up, I returned to the Union and everyone left to attend the “Big Red Freakout” hockey game (spoiler alert: RPI lost miserably).  I did not leave. Later,  I battled the vehicular hockey traffic up near the Field House to grab some dinner and supplies from my room, then I returned to the Union.

I spent most of my time struggling on a form to support a has_many join in rails for Concerto 2.  Feeling down, I went to Father’s to buy an ice cream cookie, one of the few “treats” I’ll personally indulge in.  After purchasing the cookie/ice-cream combination, I discovered it expired by opening it up and finding the cookie mostly absorbed into the ice cream.  I confirmed an expiration date of Nov 21, 2009 by examining the back of the wrapper.  The hockey game ended at some point and a modest crowd (i.e 2-3 people) trickled back to the Union.  Most people were attending post-game events and therefore did not return to their place of origin.  A little before 11:00pm I returned to my dorm.  That is where I write to you from.

It is no secret, I’m not a big fan of hockey.  I’m not opposed to the concept of hockey/athletics in general, but I feel no personal draw to attend games.  That said, you’d be mistaken to say that I won’t go to a hockey game.  I won’t go to a hockey game alone or for the hockey, but their are plenty of other reasons that would get me to attend.  For example, I have attended sporting events and musical concerts because there was a social reason for going.  Someone else may have invited me as their personal guest (opposed to inviting a dozen people to go as a group), or someone may want the opportunity to just chat or spend time with me (like my dad taking me or my brother to a basketball game).  The venue doesn’t matter much to me, but the interaction that happens when I’m their does.

In my current social situation, there is a low probability I would have interacted well with any group I could attend such events with at RPI.  I am securely positioned as an outlier, where most others view me as mildly useful for a very specific (and unfortunately shrinking) set of tasks… nothing more.  Commonly I am invited out of  professional courtesy, whereas I am not annoying enough to warrant being blacklisted from event, and it never hurts to invite someone with a terribly low attendance record who you see on a regular basis.

I am unsure how to accurately capture my feelings, because I typically use “left out” to describe scenarios where I am being intentionally excluded from something, which I am not.  I don’t identify loneliness with my current state because I know I could always initiate communication with a friend should I think it would help.  How exactly to capture the feeling of an outlier?  Maybe if I knew more big words I would have a better set to choose from here.  Spare may be a word to describe some emotions, where it is perceived that anything I could offer a gathering can already be provided by others.  In previous years I might have said secluded because I wasn’t as publicly visible as I’ve been this year, but I’ve found that an increased physical presence makes minimal difference.

Maybe it makes sense to explore the logic behind invitations and gathers.  Let go down the list quickly:  As an organizer, it it always logical to invite yourself.  Your significant other will also want to attend, or else they will feel left out, so you should invite him/her as well.  Next, I guess it makes sense to invite some close friends who you know will come.  Independently, they each should be able to interact well with each other so they aren’t relying on you to serve as the  only common ground they have.  Next, you might want to invite someone who can act as the “life of the party” for whatever event you’re hosting, should things go downhill this person could be someone well qualified to supply “event materials,” be it physical goods, services, discussion material, etc.  I think you finally invite everyone else, recognizing that an event’s enjoyment may be measured in sheer attendance and the more you invite the higher attendance might be.  Since these people are, in some regards, extras (i.e you might not invite all of them if you had limited space/resources), you don’t spend time evaluating their social needs or fit with the group… just shotgun it.

Maybe I am just really bad at picking up on sincerity or something; but I would almost always cast myself in the group of extras invited to events… be it a meeting, sporting event, party, food trip, you name it.  I guess most people must be OK with this, they go and do their own thing, interacting in whatever social circles they find themselves in.  Me?  I’m a little more structured than that.  Going with the sole intent of “showing up” to “see how things go” doesn’t work for me.  I don’t do anything to “see how it goes” except for things that I can undo with no damage (like computer programming).  Before I’m willing to take a risk and “see how it goes” I need to evaluate all the possible outcomes and, to proceed, identify some slight probability of success.

That was all very abstract, let me “break it down” for you.  To date, I have asked a total of one person to enter a relationship with me, you can probably guess who.  To do this, I spent approximately a very very long time determining there was some probability of short-term success and an acceptable low probability for little long-term damage.  This is because I opt to not be like a significant group of males and enter a relationship with just about anyone for the sake of seeing how it goes and gaining some experience.  (Though I will say, the knowledge gained from past relationships does leave something to be desired at times.)  Life is not my training dground, I don’t have the time to spend practicing these sorts of things.

Consider yourself lucky.

Goodnight moon.

Better

I force myself to write this morning not because I’m super excited to tell a story, but because documentation is key.  My memory frequently lapses, and these days may be critical in a future time.   Here’s to a future self.

I try not to blow my bugle too often, reserving its use for times when alertness and responsiveness are important.  It disappoints me to receive such a dismal response to a trumpeting.  Rarely are my requests unfounded, and never are they unjustified; my simple pleas fall far too frequently on deaf ears.  I wonder if the bugle itself is flawed,  maybe it’s important is being drowned out by the call of others, or its tune indistinguishable from the rest.  I’m hesitant to invest the time in learning a new tune, worried the time spent won’t rally any more support.

I almost made the mistake of discussing whether the game can actually change, nearly citing the game as static constant only flexible in the ways we perceive it.  I am glad I avoided entertaining such a discussion, instead I’m left to think about how the game can be effectively moved in our direction.  Traditionally, I’ve played my hand for the betterment of others, trying to reap any reward purely as side effect of those actions.  I recognize this method may not be the most effective at providing any personal gain, but my training has guided me to enjoy any slight gains on this front.  I do wonder what more I could be doing to adjust the variables to better align with the goals, or (the alternative) adjust the perceptions of key parties to better reflect the desired scenarios.   What I do know for sure is that plan A hasn’t been very successful, and the results plan B have yielded haven’t shown much promise.